I seriously feel like there are two parts of me at war with each other. One part of me desperately wants to move on and be happy and be with the man that is giving his all to try to make me happy again but the other part of me is so broken down and wants to just feel all of that and be alone and be hurt. And I don’t know what to do anymore because I need both of those things.
This guy, he’s amazing. He’s been amazing for years and he’s been so patient with me every single time I’ve run away from him, every time I’ve left him for someone else. And he deserves my all, and I want to give that to him, I do. He makes me happy, he makes me forget about the hurt, he makes me smile, he makes me feel loved, he makes me feel worthy again and I need that. I need that reassurance that someone really does love me like that.
But at the same time, I’m so scared of really opening myself up again because I’ve spent better part of the last 8 years fighting like the hell to keep a relationship alive that tore me apart and I can’t do that again. I can’t put myself through that again. Because the whole time I was telling myself that it’d all be worth it in the end. That all of this pain and heartbreak would be worth it 10 years from now when we were married and happy and we had gotten past all of the bad but I can’t make myself believe that anymore because it won’t happen now. He’s marrying someone else and I’m left here to deal with that. I’m left here to deal with the fact that there’s no more hope for us. No matter what happened before, I knew that one of us would end up missing the other and we’d both cave. We’d end up having sex again and everything would come rushing back, hell that happened less than a year ago. But not anymore.
Less than a year ago, I thought that we had fixed everything. I thought that maybe we were finally passed it all because I remember laying in bed in his arms that day together and feeling so at home. I remember thinking that this is where I’m supposed to be, this is my person. But I was wrong. That was in August and now it’s July and we haven’t talked in months. And we haven’t had an honest conversation in even longer. He was my best friend and I thought he was the love of my life and I lost all of that. Now he’s a stranger to me and I’m never gonna get him back. I know I’ve said that a million times, but I know it’s true this time. Because this, this I can’t get past. What he did is unforgivable.
And now I’m left to deal with that. I’m left to pick up the pieces of the girl he’s been breaking for eight years. There’s hardly any of me left at this point. I’m so defeated. He took an incredible optimistic, happy girl and just tore me apart. I want to still believe in all of the things I used to, I really do, but lately I’m struggling and I hate that that’s because of him. I hate that I gave him that much power over me. I hate that I let him change me. And honestly right now, I hate him. I love him and I always will but I also hate him and that’s a really complicated feeling.
I want to get over it all and move on with this amazing guy. But I don’t know how to. And I hate that.